Monday, April 5, 2004

Rules To Live By...

Dieting is hard.  Our entire lives revolve around food.  After the bride, what's the most important thing at a Wedding?  The food.  What's the best part of a cruise?  The food.  And lots of it.  I've been consoling myself while on The Atkin's Diet by collecting these little tidbits.  They don't actually work, but you can't eat and laugh at the same time.  And sometimes, not gaining any more weight is just as good as losing it.  Enjoy! 
1)  Eating a chocolate candy bar right before dinner will help curb your appetite and you'll eat less.
2) Foods purchased and eaten in a movie theater have no caloric value, as they are considered part of the total entertainment package.
3) Food additives do not contain any calories or fat.  Examples:  Icing on a cake,  gravy on top of mashed potatoes and any topping on an ice cream sundae.
4) A good rule of thumb is that all foods of the same color will have the same number of calories.  Example: spinach and mint chocolate chip ice cream.  Please note that since brown is a neutral color, chocolate can be substituted for any other food color. 
5) Any food eaten during a mandatory or obligatory event given by or for any close friend or family member, will not count in your daily caloric total.  Such events include, but are not limited to weddings, showers, graduations, funerals, fund raisers, birthday, retirement and Tupperware Parties.
6)  There are no calories in any of the cakes at the Church Bake Sale.  God said so.
7)  It is always permissible to eat some, if not all of your own birthday cake.
8) Candy consumed in the course of inspecting a child's Halloween Bag or creating an Easter Basket is not subject to weight gain.
9)  No matter what the label says, all packages contain only one serving.  A half gallon of ice cream, a bag of potato chips, a box of Girl Scout Cookies... have always been one serving.
10)  Always increase your daily caloric requirement right before each menstrual period.  Being an unrelenting bitch takes a lot of energy. 
I hope these suggestions have been helpful.  They are even more meaningful if you read them while eating a cream donut.


derasta said...

I really like your way of thinking!

andreakingme said...

I read 'em while eating black and white M&Ms! (Of course.)

Lisa, you're an inspiration to us all. Now pass the Doritos, would you?

readmereadyou said...

You had me laughing but to tell you the truth, Number one on the list, I did for years and it really worked. My weight gain came after I stopped working and eating chocolate by the pound AFTER meals. : )

lotzamoe said...

Now I have a set of rules to live by. Thank you. I try to walk while eating my Krispy Kreme's, that way I burn as many calories as I take in. It took a while to get that walking/eating coordination thing down.

lifes2odd said...

OMG! That's hysterical! I just decided I'm going on that diet, love it! :-)

somenuttychic said...

What a cute list! (But it has made me hungry. Poop.) :-)