Friday, March 26, 2010

On Death and Dying Part III of III

So... after the Obituary is in the paper, the Viewing is over and your eulogy recited, where are YOU going to spend the rest of eternity?

I'm still undecided. It's forever you know. It's not like you can change your mind after you're there. I think I'm definitely against burial. It's cold, dark and wet. There are bugs. Plus, I know my family will feel compelled to traipse out to the cemetery to visit me, and I don't want any of their holidays to include a trip to the grave yard.

I guess that leaves cremation, but where do I want my ashes? I always loved the movie, 'The Bridges of Madison County'. I thought it was so romantic when Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep had their ashes mingled together and scattered off a local bridge so they could be together forever. Unfortunately, there is no leading man in my life at this time. I suppose there's still a chance that I have yet to meet my geriatric knight in rusty armor, but what if I don't?

The idea of being scattered in an exotic place is intriguing, but there's no guarantee where you're going to... land. I'd hate to spend eternity on the windshield of an old truck that just happened to be driving by at the time of the toss.

Perhaps, the 'wall' in a columbarium is the way to go.  If I choose one now, before I actually need it, I could check out my future 'neighbors'. Get a head-start on my eternal social 'after-life'. Plus... I could pick out a really beautiful urn for myself. The kids would probably still feel obligated to visit, but at least the columbarium is heated and air-conditioned.

I just hope they remember that my new neighbors may be watching when they do. I'd hate to over hear, "Oh my GOD! Did you see what her daughter was wearing? To visit her mother's GRAVE!? Good thing she was DEAD already!"

Thursday, March 25, 2010

On Death and Dying Part II of III

So what DOES one wear when hosting your own viewing? I guess it doesn't matter if you've worn it before, or even if someone else is wearing the same exact outfit. You can't really die of embarrassment since you're already dead. However ... whatever you're wearing, you going to be wearing it FOREVER. So you better like it. A LOT.

I'm undecided between burial and cremation. Mausoleums are a nice idea, but you have to worry that yours might become the hangout for the local teenagers on the weekends. I've seen many caskets exhumed on forensic television shows, and it appears that water frequently seeps into them. A leaky basement is bad enough. I couldn't stand being cold and  wet, especially for eternity.  

There are many options to choose from. If I go for the cremation, I could have my ashes placed into a columbarium. That's a building in the cemetery where the walls have slots to house urns. I don't want my kids to be burdened with my ashes, or if I'm married at the time of my death, have to worry that his new wife will suck me up with the vacuum. The columbariums look like condos for dead people. It's easy to imagine all the kinds of activities that might be available for the dearly departed residents to engage in. That could be fun. Weekend picnics for visiting relatives. Easter Egg hunts for the grand-kids. Contests for the most festive decorations during the holidays.

I've always wanted a nice viewing. A really fun one. Live music, good food, imported chocolate, all kinds of sweets, Christmas decorations, drinking, singing and dancing.

I envision a band escorting me to the cemetery like they do in New Orleans with saxophones and trombones playing old gospel hymns. I want everyone to have such a good time that they look forward to going to the next funeral like mine, even if they have to host their own. 

Stay tuned for Part III...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

On Death and Dying Part One Of Three

I have always recommended that everyone have a back-up Plan in life. For every occasion. My birthday is looming up in a few months. I'm starting to accept the fact that not only am I over the hill, I'm sliding down the other side of it pretty quickly. I'm not really a morbid person by nature, but in case I don't live forever, here's Plan B. 

Since I got married when I was 16 years old, I not only missed out on a wedding, I never got to go to the prom, either. So I guess the one day in my life, where I will shine, where I will be the center of attention, where all eyes will be on me, will be at my ... funeral. It is rather irritating to think that on my glory day I'll be DEAD, and I probably won't look so good, but I'll do the best I can.

I may need a little help. Could somebody find me a make-up artist who doesn't use a spatula to smear it on for heaven's sake? And give the hair dresser a picture of me on a good  hair day. There MUST be one somewhere. I always hated my profile. I'm sure I won't like it any better after I'm dead, so tilt my face to the side. False eyelashes would be a nice touch. Don't forget a manicure,and PLEASE... make sure I'm wearing a BRA. I do NOT want to look saggy in my casket. I'd like high heels for the viewing, but replace them with my fuzzy slippers before you... put me under.

I'm a Team Player, so I'll do my part, too. If I have any say in it whatsoever, I will try my very best not to die when it's bitterly cold outside. Or swelteringly hot. Actually, I'll try not to die at ALL, but if I have to go, I'll try to be weather conscious. I will make every attempt not to die on anyone's birthday, anniversary, graduation or wedding day, or any other annual holiday. If I do go on someone's important day, please try your best to make light of it. You know a good sense of humor has always been one of my best qualities and it would be nice to always be remembered that way, too.  

Stay tuned for Part II... RSVP