Friday, May 21, 2004

Men and Women


Not too many things about menopause are funny.  I should know... I'm going through it.  I'd rather be going around it, but I don't think that's possible.  Anyway... once in a while I do find something on the subject that catches my eye, grabs my attention and lifts my spirits.


More often than not, it's usually something derogatory about men in general.  I don't want to leave you with the impression that I don't like men.  My father was a man, and I loved him anyway.  I have a few younger brothers who were left in my care many times with no subsequent harm.  I was married to a man for 28 years and he emerged from the union alive, functional, and still in possession of all his body parts.  My favorite teacher was a man.  More than half of the patients I have cared for in my nursing career have been men, and most of them recovered.  All my girlfriends are married to men.  My son grew up to be one, and there's every indication that my grandson will be one someday as well.  I love both of them with all my heart and soul.  And I live with Ray... who is SO much a man... that his friends actually call him "the man".  I adore him anyway, and maybe someday I'll make an honest man out of him and marry the guy. 


So you see, I have a long history with men.  And lots of experience.  No matter what we do, it appears that men are here to stay.  We might as well make the best of it.  And once in a while we can get in a chuckle or two.  Here's one I had yesterday.  Several times.  I wish I knew who the author was, so I could give her the credit she so richly deserves...


Dear Tide:

  I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have!  I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me that it was the best.

  Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!  In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was... he complained that I drank too much... and then he insinuated that I was never a good cook either...  One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my new white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it didn't work.  After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, ALL of the stains came out!

   In fact, they came out so well, the detectives stopped by my house yesterday to tell me that the DNA tests they performed on my blouse were negative.  Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.  This is quite a relief!


I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go.


I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...


Oh, I hope she had a big life insurance policy on him.  Is it wrong to laugh at such a letter?  At this point in my life... I really don't care.  I'm going to laugh anyway.  Maybe I can blame it on a lifetime of living with the 'persona' of men...

Irritating little teasers that trip you in the school yard, make faces, run faster, and get to pee standing up.  Boys with no fear of bugs, no tangles in their hair and get to go swimming without their shirts on in the summer.  Still... the crush you get on one is all consuming.

Teenage football jocks and local bad boys that get into fights, drive fast, drink a lot, and yell comments at you when you try to walk by inconspicuously.  Boys who spend all night trying to get to first base and then brag about it for weeks later, even if they never got there.  College guys who party all night, major in spring break, drink even more and drive even faster.  Still... falling in love with one is all consuming.

Young men who get paid more and get promoted before you, and can move furniture and open jars.  They look the same in the morning as they did when they went to bed, and don't care if they have a fat tummy or cellulite on the backs of their thighs.  They have never planned activities around their period or stayed home because they had cramps.  Most men never have to shave their legs, armpits or bikini zone and don't care if their breasts sag.  They don't suffer with morning sickness, stretch marks, childbirth, or have to sit on their stitches.  Men never wonder how they're going to have a career AND be a good father at the same time.  They are almost immediately forgiven when they forget to send a card, buy a gift, or write a thank you letter.  They aren't expected to bring any food dishes with them when they're invited to dinner, or feel obligated to help clean up afterwards.  They never wonder if they can wear white shoes past September or starve themselves so they can look good in a bathing suit.  They can talk loud, smoke cigars, curse, burp, scratch all their itchy parts, and tell someone they think they're "hot" without tarnishing their reputation.  Men don't worry about date rape or have nightmares about being attacked.

They don't plan weddings, throw baby showers, or write out thank you cards.  If they volunteer to go on a school trip with the kids, attend a PTA meeting, or bake cup cakes everyone thinks they're wonderful.  They never worry about breaking a nail, getting a runner, or carrying Tampons.  They've never looked to see if there is lipstick on their teeth, or tried to remove water proof mascara.  They've never had their legs up in stirrups, did a self breast exam, or tried to remember if they took their pill this morning.  They've never ruined a pair of panties or talked to their friends about douching.  They've never have an abnormal pap smear, hot flashes or PMS.  They don't have accidents when they cough, laugh or sneeze.  No one thinks badly of them if they never get married or have children, and they've never heard the ticking of a biological clock.  Even if they father a child at age 90, they don't question the health of the child.  They look better than we do as they get older, and they get to keep their last names even after they get married.  Most men don't wonder if their mates are hanging out in bars and strip clubs at night or if they will leave them for someone half their age.  They never have to hope that their spouse will behave themselves while taking home the baby-sitter or attending a cocktail party with their colleagues.  They're never, ever distracted by thoughts of all they have to do tomorrow while they're having sex tonight.


Still... the love you have for one man can last a lifetime.  I cherish the love I have for the men in my life...  I can only hope my daughters are as lucky as me.


suzypwr said...

While I agree they can be annoying, I think you are selling men short. We don't wish for hairs on our chins or upper lips, we don't worry about our voices changing, we don't agonize over rejections, we aren't expected to pretend to be fearless, we can talk to a friend if we find a lump in the wrong place, if we think our breasts are too small we can go buy bigger ones, being short is OK, we can always perform sexually, we aren't embarassed if we want to fuss over a baby or a puppy, we don't feel we have to drive like assholes to impress anyone, we don't worry about anyone wondering if maybe we could possibly have an interest in our own sex (in fact, many men wish we did), and on and on...we just have different insecurities. I also don't think men age better than women. I think WOMEN cut themselves short and tell each other we age badly. Women don't get old. They get beautiful. Ask any man.

onmiownnow2 said...

There are always two sides to every argument.  This is mine.  I think somebody wants to be the girl that all the boys like today!  LOL!  Lisa (The Occupant)

camaroisle050856 said...

      You sound bitter about men and getting older.  I'm older than you.

      Your birthday is soon, and I read your Journal, but you are beating yourself up and blaming men in general for it.  Does Ray expect you to be a fashion plate at all times or are you setting goals that are unattainable and frustrated that you can't reach them?      
       Remember "Christmas Vacation" with Chevy Chase?   He wanted a "perfect" Christmas.  Not going to happen.   People, male and female, make mistakes.

       We all go through self doubt, worry and howling at the injustice of aging.  You are not alone.
       Perhaps you should try to see things from a different perspective.  You don't have to be perfect all of the time.  You are a beautiful woman, but you are letting minor things bother you.

        I feel that a lot of this runs deeper than you are letting us know.  If you love men, why not tell us what you like that men do instead of trashing them?
Perhaps you feel slighted in some way by someone you love or loved and this is
your way of letting it out.    Maybe not.

        There seems to be an emotional struggle inside of you and a Sam Kinnison type scream about getting older and your life not exactly working out the way that you envisioned it.

         Be yourself and don't try so hard to please everyone else.   We like you or we wouldn't be reading your Journal.


olddog299 said...

You did a great job with this topic, Lisa.  I've read some of the litany in jokes and rants elsewhere, but you have managed to bring it all together with humor into a palatable whole.  Thanks for that - old pharts like myself need to be reminded about the trials and tribulations of being a woman.  Good on you, kiddo.

camaroisle050856 said...

     (Men) "They're never, ever distracted by thoughts of all they have to do tomorrow while they're having sex tonight,"  you said in your Journal.
       This sounds like you don't like making love.  I am never distracted when making love because I'm too busy trying to make sure the my husband enjoys it
as much as I do.   It's like a back massage only on the inside.  

       How can you think of anything else while you are in the heat of passion?  

       Just because a woman enjoys making love doesn't make her a slut.
Too many women think that way, that it's a "duty" to be performed  to shut the husband up.  The husband can sense this and it can cause problems in other ways.  Make love to your husband because you love him, and enjoy it.  It it causes you pain to make love, you may need medical assistance, or it could be something emotionally holding you back from enjoying making love.
        The fastest way to lose a husband is to cut him off from making means you are rejecting his way of completely embracing you as a person.
The Wedding vows state to "love, honor and cherish" and  to him if you aren't doing this, you've broken the Wedding contract and he may seek comfort elsewhere.   Women and men see making love differently.   Talking this out with your partner can save a lot of grief and  perhaps help solve the misunderstandings
in a relationship.  It's important to keep your man happy if you want to be happy.


lucylouladybug said...

I think this is funny as hell, but I also have a sense of humor and know what to take serious and what not to.  I think some people need to lighten up (not you).
All I see is a funny entry, not a reason to attempt a pyschological analysis on you or your marriage!  Oh, I came by here via Wil's journal link to this entry.
You made me laugh, and I personally LOVE MEN too!  But I also can laugh at myself too and the antics we all do.
Take care,

camaroisle050856 said...

   How is disrespecting men funny?  I have a sense of humor, but this doesn't make me laugh.


camaroisle050856 said...

       You can delete my entries since you were just "kidding" and you didn't want any  advice.   I was just trying to help obviously where none was wanted.   If you find  the degradation of the opposite sex funny, that's your right.   It's your Journal.  I don't find it funny, I find it sad that we poke fun at someone we are supposed to love.


his1desire said...

haha .. i read that and i haven't laughed that hard in a long time .. i'm glad you posted the letter !!
thanks for the laughs this morning !!
pamela (who thinks nobody need apologize for finding something funny that was intended to be humorous !!)

readmereadyou said...

They die before us which is maybe the universe's way of keeping a fair balance. LOL! Or, maybe our lives are so crappy, it just seems that way.

slowmotionlife said...

I think a good sense of humor is a healthy thing. I think most wives can relate on at least *some* level.  But I happen to think, on the whole, that most men are pretty awesome.  There are exceptions, of course, but I've always found myself surrounded by wonderfully supportive, responsible, and sensitive men.  Granted, they'll NEVER know what it means to be a woman.  But I certainly couldn't imagine what it would be to be a man either - nor would I want to.  LOL  So I'm pretty happy with my role as a woman.. and I'm pretty thankful for the men in my life.  No bleach required here, thanks.  :D

onmiownnow2 said...

Good grief!  I'm not crazy!  Just to be sure... I'm going to have my head examined right after it's cleaned, pressed and martinized.  (I've read THAT can be done in an hour).  I like men.  And sex.  I don't want to grow old but if I have to, I want to laugh the whole time.  I see humor in everything.  In my darkest hour, I may be shaking, but I'll make some sort of a wise crack.   Never take anything I say seriously.  My kids don't, why should you?  My sole intention in writing is to make people laugh.  If you're not smiling, then you're taking it the wrong way or I've finally gone over the edge.  If that ever happens... I hope I did the laundry that week and I'm not found wearing Ray's underwear.  Lisa

cafeteome said...

Wow! You have caused QUITE a ruckus, haven't you, Lisa?! ME crazy but I totally got what you were saying and I certainly do not think that you A) disrespected men or B) sold yourself short! This was completely humorous!! If you can't laugh, you cry, right? Can I buy you a cold drink to quell the hot flashes?! And for the record: I love men but I certainly wouldn't wanna be one!! (Too many dangly parts!) LOL!! GREAT ENTYR LISA!! Sharon

karensull12 said...

Lisa,  I don't know you well and have not been to your journal very often (shame on me), but what I see here is an entry intended to make us laugh.  Sometimes when I write in my journal and I get responses which tend to be more of a lecture than is needed or appreciated, I think to myself--"these people just don't get me."  I love having a journal to come to when I'm having a bad day or a hard time and just writing everything out of me.  In the heat of the moment, I know that I can come across as man-hating, but NOTHING could be further than the truth.  I don't often write about the things that make me happy (in my relationships) because when I'm happy, I don't feel the need to pound on my keyboard and let the frustration and anger out of me.  I could feel hopeless in the morning, but by the afternoon feel just fine--and having a place to come to where I feel LISTENED TO is so very important to me...I did not read this and think you have a problem with are trying to find the humor in a life that is SOMETIMES disappointing and hard and unrewarding.  And you end this entry with hope...there is nothing more positive than hope...

camaroisle050856 said...

     You don't want to wear the pants in the family, just the underwear!

redhdka said...


sonensmilinmon said...

oh my, what have we got going on here?  Are you mixing up a little brew haha here?  My dad was a man ~ no doubts and I heard him make fun of himself and men in general ... just as I have made fun of women and myself in general.  Sometimes we all need to lighten up and laugh at ourselves.  Oh, and I LOVE the men in my life but, I don't wanna be one!  I think my fiancee would tell me he wouldn't want to be a woman! Whew.  Keep smiling and keep laughing at life in general.


suzypwr said...

Let me go farther on my response, OK? From Lisa I read that she feels women get old and men get better. I personally do not like to see women degrade themselves like that. While humorously and well written, I heard insecurity coming through. Men age, women age. Men do not do it better. Women themselves will hike up a man's ego and tell him he looks better as he gets old and then for some reason I don't understand, they degrade themselves. If we think and act attractive and sexy, men will see us that way also. They are more visual than we are. I don't undertand the hardwiring, but it seems to be true. If we show confidence in how we look, they will respond to it. I am guessing Lisa and Ray have a good relationship, but I think Ray has to constantly tell Lisa how great she looks and to stop trying so hard. Lisa, you look wonderful. You are a strong, healthy, normal woman going through a normal stage of life. There is some true freedom that comes to women in their 50s that they have never felt before. Go with it, enjoy it, and it can make your relationship stronger. No one said menopause is easy, but you, yourself, are only getting more beautiful. Try to relax and enjoy the ride!

somenuttychic said...

I'm glad to see you put that Tide blurb into an entry. I thought it was precious, too. This entry made me smile. You're a beautiful, vivacious woman and you will STILL be that way when you're 90. I bet in your quiet moments, deep down, you know that too. This entry is probably just your hormones talking.  

kymllr said...

Love it :) and am totally amazed that someone out there--somewhere-had to give a negative opinion and try to analyze ya too--((hugs))keep writing we love it-kymllr

screaminremo303 said...

I laughed, I cried, I was hiding my testicles until the last few paragraphs. Great Job!

goldenchildnc said...

Honey, Scremin Remo stole my line! LMAO! You're pretty frickin brilliant with the whole Serious-mixed-with-humor routine! BRILLIANT I SAY!!!! That letter was a RIOT! But I would point out that men have tons of problems too! I just can't think of any off the bat. LOL! ;-)

krobbie67 said...

It sounds like you were having a bad man day when you wrote this. Hope it has passed, for Ray's sake anyhow. ;-) ---Robbie