Saturday, November 5, 2005

This Was My Finest Hour...

Not having anything better to do today, I decided to take on a project of monumental proportions.  One that brings inner peace and satisfaction like no other.  One that I can brag to my friends about, and illicit suprised but admiring looks.  An accomplishment that will make me the envy of all my neighbors, and will probably be mentioned in my obituary should I die sometime in the near future.

I completed a project that's deemed extremely difficult even by people who have climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro or won the Nobel Peace Prize.  A goal that requires such a degree of physical strength that it's commonly turfed off by women to the men in their lives, if they're lucky enough to have one.  And it's such a complex task, that you can't even hire someone else to do it for you.

Yes... today... I did it.

I cleaned out my garage.

By myself.

I was going to take before and after pics, but I didn't want to make the rest of you feel bad. It's OK.  Not all of us have the time, the energy and the endurance for such a feat.  Many, many people have catastrophic messes that they zealously hide behind closed garage doors.  Well guarded family secrets that force them to frantically scan the streets for prying eyes before opening those doors and getting out their cars.  If the cars can even FIT in their garages in the first place.

But don't be ashamed.  Statistics show that 90% of all Americans have a messy garage.  And that cleaning out their garages are on everyone's Top 10 Things To Do on any given weekend.

Sadly... with the world the way it is today, most people never get to complete that list.  Some... never even start it.  And I've heard rumors that there are a few people that don't even HAVE a To Do List.

I know... these statistics ARE frightening.  But they're true.  Please don't let your children read this.  They have plenty of time to discover these horrors when they're older and better able to handle such knowledge.

But now... my goal achieved ... I am here to offer myself as a role model.  A beacon of light for you to emulate on your darkest days.  A simple woman, who may have previously been construed as unmotivated, now to be forever portrayed as a heroine of organization.  And I am willing to accept my duty to make myself available to answer questions and offer advice to those individuals who don't know where or how to even start such a project.

For I was once like you.  Living in constant fear that the police would have to investigate a crime that took place in my garage, where they would witness the squalor that I lived in, day after day.  That a team of unfortunate forensic scientists would be forced to devote the rest of their careers to sifting through my personal crime scene, to sort out potential evidence.  Terrorized about the potential testimony they would give in Court.  Prosecutor:  "And had you EVER, at any time in your long career, Detective Munch, seen a garage in such a state of disarray?"  Detective Munch:  "No, sir.  NEVER!"  I'd have to hang my head in shame when the jury gasped in horror and looked at me with disgust.

And I can now admit that I always secretly feared that I would be contacted by Stephen King asking to write a book based on my clutter.

But... no more.  I can proudly fling open my garage doors and let the world see what's inside.  I could even invite tour groups to visit.  It's possible once the news of this gets out that I might be asked to give inspirational speeches.  Maybe have my garage featured in a newspaper article.  I wouldn't be suprised if Martha Stewart herself, asked me to be a guest on her show.  Maybe even a co-host!  I could begin a new career as a garage cleaning expert.  Hired to autograph pics of my garage at Home Depots across America.  It's within the realm of possibility that the CIA may clear me to offer guidance to President Bush and the First Lady when they decide to clean out their garage!

Yes!  It was an ordinary day in the ordinary life of a DWF in New Jersey.  But... it changed the entire world as we knew it.

Now physically spent, emotionally drained and finished sharing my great success... there is nothing left for me to do, but watch some old episodes of 'Seinfeld'.

So if you'll excuse me...


derasta said...

Now maybe this will motivate me to clean my's one of the biggest eye sores in the world...we have a path to get to things that's how bad it is...

cafeteome said...

Boy, am I GLAD that I don't have a garage!!! LOL! Sharon

tillysweetchops said...

Lisa, Lisa, I'm so excited that I've found somebody else who has those mad police fantasies. I nearly jumped off my seat when I read what you said about the forensic scientists. I've been there and had the very same nightmare. Except in my case, it's all about the mountains of childrens toys that keep accumulating no matter how many bags I give to charity and hospitals. There are some days when I literally have to wade through Barbie, Barnie Blue and climb over the pirate ships and the blocks just to make the beds!  

At least you know that your garage will never get messy again (unless you're a serious glutton for punishment!) but no matter how many times I tackle the triathlon of tidying jobs I know that in 2 minutes it'll be back on the floor!! I'd like to know how marvellous Martha would solve that.

But congratulations anyway, although now you know you haven't got a hope in hell of getting on "How Clean Is Your House?" with Kim and Aggie.

Tilly x