Thursday, November 10, 2005

Trash Day In J-Land II...

After finishing my last entry I started wondering what trash day would be like in J-Land if we were all neighbors.  Since every one of us is quite a character, it would probably be very entertaining to say the least...


If you’re not a regular visitor to J-Land … this story won’t make any sense to you at all.  If you are a regular visitor... it probably still won't make any sense!

The names have not been changed to protect the innocent.  Cause in my stories, NO ONE is innocent.


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It was a warm and beautiful morning in J-Land, and it just happened to be Trash Day.  Andrea, from ‘Unhinged’ looked up from writing the novel that will someday be on The Best Seller’s List and peered out her window.


She noticed that Sharon from ‘Welcome To My Nightmare’ was running up and down the street yelling, “The Trash Men are coming!  The Trash Men are coming ... I can FEEL it!”


Mrs. L from ‘Mrs. Linklater’s Guide To The Universe’ threw up her bedroom window in a rage.  “WTF?” she screamed.  “It’s 8am and I haven’t even had my first cup of coffee yet!  If you don’t pipe down honey, the only thing that you’ll be FEELING is my size 9 bunny slipper up your a**!”


Ty, from ‘Surrounded By Nincompoops’ was sitting on his front step, an empty beer can rolling slowly down his driveway towards the curb.  “Now that’s MY kinda woman!” he laughed.  He watched in amazement as his neighbors began to emerge from their houses, trash cans in tow.  The last time Ty was seen taking out his trash was back in 1968.


Trish from ‘Journey To Peace’ burst from her house singing a medley of her greatest hits and dragging 2 huge bags of doggie doo behind her.


Shaz of ‘The Meaning Of Life… But I Could Be Wrong!’ staggered out of her humble dwelling wearing a ripped tee shirt, and the ugliest pair of cut off sweat pants that anyone had ever seen.  She ran her fingers through her wild hair.  “Don’t worry your pretty little head, ducks!” she called over to Sharon. “They won’t pass us by… I terrorized the postman and I’m not afraid of the trash blokes either!”


Suddenly, Andrea, from ‘The Official Journal of Pointless Posting’ tore out of her garage with enough attitude to stop traffic.  She was holding a riding crop in her hand while her frightened personal attendant tried to carry 6 large boxes to the street without dropping them.  “Faster boy, faster!  I need a pedicure when you’re finished!” she admonished him cruely.


By now the J-Landers were out in full force making mad dashes to put out their recyclables before the trash trucks came around the corner.


Just then, NJlittlebear of ‘My Big Fat Greek Life’ appeared out of nowhere. “OK!” he screamed putting his hands on his hips and scowling at the others.  “Which one of you biatches reported me to TOS for objectionable content THIS week?  Hmmm?”


Pamela from ‘Just One Girls Head Noise’ frantically tried to round up all the stray cats sniffing around everybody’s refuse.


Jimmy of ‘The Stuipdsheet Guy’ went door-to-door offering to help everyone get out their trash on time and offering LeighAnn from ‘Hit Me Again’ a friendly, and much needed cup of sugar.


Meanwhile, Maryanne, the author of ‘My Feelings Are Real’ who was up to greet the morning wearing a pink tutu and matching ballet slippers was seen hammering ‘For Sale’ signs on everyone’s lawns.  “Can’t blame a gal for trying!” she smiled warmly.


Bosox, of the ‘Dating Tips For Psychopaths’ fame, was rummaging through his neighbors trash looking for old issues of ‘Modern Drunkard’.


Not to be  out done, Nikki, of ‘A Single Woman’s Guide To The Universe’, wearing the old bridesmaid gown that made her look like a peach colored monk, stood in her driveway accepting delivery of a dumpster.  Yes, she had finally decided to give up being a pack rat, and needed more than a few lousy trash cans to clean out her house.  It didn't go unnoticed when she slipped the driver a few left over pieces of Halloween candy and her phone number.


Everyone waved to Jeff Comedy from ‘What The Hell’ as he raced to his car, apparently late for work once again.  “No time for trash today, folks!” he called over his shoulder.  “I over slept and I need a smoke!”


He ran past Mary’s house, of ‘Alphawoman’s Blog’, barely noticing all the newspapers strewn across her lawn.  As usual, she was away on another fascinating trip.


Albert of ‘Albert’s World of Artsy Fun’ walked regally to his curb, dressed in a purple velvet robe and slippers.  He was the only one that had put out his trash the night before. “Oh no!  What was I thinking?!” he cried remorsefully.  “I could never part with this… or this… or THIS!”  He clasped the items to his chest, and when he was finished he went back into his house with more things than he had thrown away.


Debbie, from ‘My Big Fat Greek Life’ (the female version), came out of her house with freshly baked spinach pie.  We all had a piece except for John, cause he was too busy telling us about the diet he was on 7 years ago (but I don’t think anyone was really listening).


As the trash trucks pulled up to the curbs, Tilly, from ‘Adventures Of A Desperately Fat Housewife’ ran out of her yard, carrying a huge bag of assorted plush animals, and trailing 6 kids behind her.  “Oh no you don’t!” she cried as only a woman with 47 loads of dirty laundry waiting to be done can do.  “Don’t even THINK about pulling away without taking these blasted, over stuffed bean bags from hell!”  I have to admit it was a little hard to take her threats seriously while she was still wearing her Wonder Woman costume…  Her hubby didn't seem to mind though.


Since Scott, from ‘Stories From My Ambulance’, is never home long enough to make any trash of his own, he just sat there behind the wheel of his rig, ready to assist us in the event of any dumpster disasters.


Vivi, from ‘Nwanyioma’s Journal’ offered to design an award for The Prettiest Trash Can and The Best Recycler.


Kris from ‘Is This Thing On’ wrote a beautiful essay describing the entire event.


Right before we all gathered up our empty cans to bring them back in, everybody’s favorite cop, Nemo, from ‘Screamin’ Remo’ came riding by in his patrol car.  And he was proudly displaying Mrs. Linklater’s Vulvi right in the middle of his dashboard.


I hope everyone knows that I wrote this out of love and extreme admiration for the above mentioned Journalists. 


I only hope they forgive me!


freeepeace said...

Yay!  This is by far the BEST AOL-J community entry I've read in a long, long time!!  Bravo!  You really know your neighbors.  

It's like The J-Land Sims.  I totally got the visual.  Mrs L and her bunny slippers. Andrea, "Faster boy, faster!" Hahaha!   Maryanne with the for sale signs.  So funny!  Albert bringing trash inside.  Tilly in her Wonder Woman costume.  Vivian designing an award.  All of it. ROFL!

I loved so much about this, it's impossible to comment on all of it.  But I must say, I laughed loud and laughed a lot.  In fact, I'm still laughing.

lamove04 said...

Albert of ‘Albert’s World of Artsy Fun’ walked regally to his curb, dressed in a purple velvet robe and slippers.  He was the only one that had put out his trash the night before. “Oh no!  What was I thinking?!” he cried remorsefully.  “I could never part with this… or this… or THIS!”  He clasped the items to his chest, and when he was finished he went back into his house with more things than he had thrown away.

LOVE IT!!!  (found the link through my beloved Technorati)  What a great entry and tribute to the colorful personalities of J-Land. Thanks for including me.

:-) Albert

somenuttychic said...

OMG, this is HYSTERICAL!!! And, pack rat though I am, I *did* manage to toss that peach colored nylon disaster of a bridesmaid monk frock. Last I saw it, it was pushing a shopping cart down a back alley in the city with the hood up. :-)

Glad to see you back with that infamous sense of humour of yours! Bravo!

jevanslink said...

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa.  I thought I was wacked, but NOOOOOOOOOOOO, you are too!!!  Funny stuff  Thanks for the pimping -- goes so well with my entry today, don't you think?

By the way have you seen my VULVI -- I left it someone.  Maybe Remo hid it.  Oh well.  Mrs. L

derasta said...

Oh how brilliant! This was the most fun to sure have everyone down pat that's for sure!!

tillysweetchops said...

LOL  Lisa  LOL!!

You've got J-Landers down pat here!! The research you must have done. Poor you!

Go and pour yourself a stiff Scotch and lie down with a cucumber ................................
......slice for each eye.

Absolutely hilarious!!

Tilly xx

stupidsheetguy said...

LOL. this was so great. You sure put a lot of work into this one. I'm honored to have seen MY name in there. Leave yours right where it is...It'd be a privilege to carry it out for ya!

thanks for a great entry!


bosoxblue6993w said...

my, what an interesting neighborhood!    i take it that the property values will soon be in the toilet.

hadonfield78 said...

I just stumbled across your journal, so now as I am picking myself up, and dusting myself off, I am commenting to tell you what a great journal you have.
Im glad I stumbled on it.
Great Work.

shaz19743 said...

Shaz gets up off of her sofa for the first time in a week , pulls up her ugly cutt off sweats incase of accidental exposure and CLAPS WILDLY !
Bravo Bravo ........i lurveeeeeed this neighbourhood of nut jobs !
You got us ALL bang to rights hehe
Everyone round to mines for a party x

globetrotter2u said...

OHMAGOD  I am peeing myself all over the husband's nice clean office chair!!!!!:))))
You do have us down perfectly, Lisa!
I am soooooo glad I've discovered your journal 'cause now I don't have to be the bad girl anymore! Take my...uhhhhh...tiara!
Loved it:)

gabreaelinfo said...

:) Very funny post. :)


indigosunmoon said...

You got everyone correct!  This is hysterical!!!

cafeteome said...

Thanks for the mention, Lisa!! Great entry, too!!  Sharon

blondepennierae said...

This is SO well done clever.  I hate to say it really hits the mark, BUT IT DOES.  LOL  Pennie

alphawoman1 said...

You are so wonderful! Funny. Clever.  Every time I read one of your entries I thank the lucky stars that you came back!

yankeygr said...

That was just awesome! What a great job you did on this little piece. Bravo, bravo!!!!! You totally had me. Thanks, Rhonda

bluwave9 said...

Hey hon, thanks for giving me a shout-out; I'm glad you liked my essay.  But, btw, my name isn't Judi, it's Kris...hehehe

see: ~Kris :)

aiibrat said...

absolutely hilarious! you got the gist of everyone's personality.  

his1desire said...

hehe sooooo right on with capturing personalities !!!

me? rounding up stray cats? lol always !!!



onmiownnow2 said...

(Dear Readers: Judi thinks her real name is 'Kris'... it might be best if we humor her *wink, *wink)  Just teasing... sorry about that KRIS!  LOL!
Maryann... I think it's time that you started wearing panti-liners when visiting J-Land...  And thanks for the tiara!  I have a sudden urge to work on World Peace....
PARTY AT SHAZ'S!!  I think it may be BYOB... I'M prepared!  Are you?
Bosox.... ROFLMAO!  Your comment rendered me speechless!
Jimmy... Oh I'm leaving mine RIGHT where it is, honey , and you can carry it  wherever ya want!
Tilly!!  You brazen little hussie you!  LOL!  BTW... Where do you put in the batteries?
Mrs. L... Last I saw it, Remo had your Vulvi firmly plastered to his his hood ornament.  But I heard that during a drug bust last night, one of the suspects made off with it.  It should have been taken away from him by the guards and placed into a manilla envelope, but it wasn't.  There is now speculation that your Vulvi may be the cause of rioting at the State Pen this morning.  More details to come...
Nikki... I should have known YOUR peach monk frock would be walking around with it's hood up... you're such a tease!  We've all been dying to see what you look like for years!!!!

viviansullinwank said...

It doesn't get much funnier than this! This is one of the best kinds of posts since it's all about our community. I'm thrilled to be do so know me don't you!? :)  Thanks for the laughs...and now that I've been stroked, my day is good  :)


bridgetteleigh75 said...

I can't believe how dead-on balls accurate you were in this entry.  OMG...I sat here and laughed at all the quirky personalities here in our J-land community.  

GREAT entry.


andreakingme said...

You are so good, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. You go away for a while, then pop in with something that either puts a lump in my throat or makes my nose run when I laugh that way ... all of your entries are gems. This one especially. What a GREAT idea. Trish and I were talking about it and laughing about the idea of all of living on the same block. Wouldn't that be cool? Hah!

Anyway, you've greatly inspired me ... now I kind of want to write something similar-ish to tickle the feet of J-Land. Because I'm all about the feet, you know. Hah!

Take a bow, sweetie.

tillysweetchops said...

Lisa re: your comment below - We've got to get you back up on centre stage where you belong - Anybody got a winch?! LOL

Tilly xx

sieblonde said...

LOL.  This was great.  I could picture each and everyone doing just all that.  ~Sie

floralilia said...

well, can you blame me?

it's so hard to get good help these days...


this post was hysterical.

thank you.