Saturday, June 23, 2007

You've Got Mail!

I'm going to take a break from Menopausal Exploration today and get back to reality.  Catch up on the important things that I've been letting go.  Before I tackle the Kitty Litter Boxes in the basement I better check my E-mail.
Whoa!  I bet I must be close to my limit!  No telling who's been trying to contact me the past few weeks. 
"10 Tips For a Summer Body."  The only way that I could salvage something for this year would be to pay someone to impersonate me until September.  But that's an idea for another day. 
"Limited Quantity- Everything Under $20".  As if.
5 ads for computer games.  NOT interested.  I only play one.  Pirate Poppers.  I'm addicted and I'm loyal.  I'm just a one-computer-game kinda woman.  Delete. 
"Investment Opportunities"... I guess they're assuming that I have some extra cash lying around collecting dust.  Delete.
Oh goody.  Seems I won an "International Lottery."  Maybe I shouldn't have deleted that Investment Opportunity Ad after all.   Delete.
Okay.... Oh!  The "Ex-Vice President Of Ugwanda" wants to entrust ME with the millions of dollars he abducted with.  All I have to do is open a bank account for him.  Yeah, right.  I may have been tempted in the past, but I'm a Lottery Winner now.  Delete.
Here we go.  "My Latest Matches on Yahoo."  Good grief!  He should have come with a Warning Label.  Oh My God!  This one only lives 2 miles away?  Bet I could get his  exact address if I looked up Registered Sex Offenders.  Hmmm....  If "Ready N' Rarin" is only 53 years old he must have lived one HELL of a life.  Sigh!  After all these years I'm still hoping to find a man who's looking for someone to leave all his money to, with no strings attached.  I know.  I'm just a hopeless romantic.  Delete.
This is interesting.  Someone signed my Guest Book at  But if I want to see who it was, I have to become a Member.  I wonder who it was?  A long, lost childhood friend?  Someone long forgotten who may very well change the very course of my life if I were to contact him?  Delete. 
"Stop Prairie Dogs From Being Poisoned!"  You gotta be kidding me.  The only thing I'm looking for is a cure for hot flashes.  Sorry, but Prairie Dogs are pretty far down on my list of things to save.
"Cruise Deals on Vacations To Go."  I guess they heard that I won the lottery.  Delete. 
"Don't Let Congress Industrialize Our Coastlines."  Oh my God.  ANYTHING but THAT.  Permenantly delete. 
Hmmm... about 618 "jokes."  All from my oldest daughters best friend, Deneen.  Aww!  She took the time to send them to me and about 350 other close Internet Friends.  While she was at work, no less.  Thank God she doesn't work for me.  Where does she find the time?  Maybe I should get a job where SHE works....  Delete 'em all at once... 
Oh!  Looks like a personal note from my slightly younger sister...  I haven't heard from her in a while.  Nope.  Just copies of the same jokes that Deneen sent to her as well.  Delete again.
"10 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Fresh".  Too bad I didn't get that one before my divorce.  Delete.
Uh-oh.  Looks like my "E-Bay Account has been suspended."  I didn't even know I HAD one. Delete.
Skip, skip, skip... "Erectile Dysfunction."  Now THAT's my kinda man!  Delete! 
%&*#@!  I swear to God, my head will spin around and I will have projectile vomiting if one more person sends me an E-mail warning that I will have bad luck for the next 5 years if I don't send it out to at least 5 friends in the next 18 minutes!  Why do people send me these things?  I don't have enough bad luck?  DELETE!  DELETE!  DELETE!
Well... that about does it.  I hate it when I let my unread mail pile up like that.
I wonder if there's anything in my "Spam Folder"?


grofsand said...

LOL....The upside to all the junk mail is that it has provoked your fine sense of creativity and left us with one e-mail worth reading!

I can't believe you didn't get the "enhance your chest size to 46 DD in two weeks". I'm always tickled by that claim ....two weeks? who are they kidding??

Smiles...Marc :)

kymllr said...

LOLLLL boy yes -been sick swollen saliva gland for month since last oct-3000.00 later I owe 500 still don't know if its cancer guess will find out-amazing how healthcare sucks I will have to see that movie everyones talking about -have medicare but my 20% on 800.00 a month is unpayable-own too much to qaulify for anything else-you know your a nurse-anyway just love reading these and sending them to my friends. kymllr kay :)