Tuesday, June 1, 2004

Still Laughing

I recently wrote what I thought was a lighthearted and humorous piece on the trials and tribulations of womanhood as compared to manhood.  I could see by the responses, that some people took me seriously, even taking the time to write and offer me some… ‘help’.  I guess I should have included a warning stating "for entertainment purposes only."  But fair is fair and I think the men should get equal billing.  So here is another very funny piece (Warning: not to be taken seriously) that was sent to me by Ray, who got it from one of his E-mail pals.  For the record, I laughed almost as hard reading this one as I did reading the 'letter to Tide' that I featured last week.  I must prepare you though.  The following letter is very male chauvinistic, and somewhat demeaning to women in general (especially middle-aged housewives), but the Tide letter wasn't exactly what you’d call 'man friendly' either.  Again, I have no idea who the author is, or I would gladly give him credit.

A very wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, bent down and gave the husband a big, long kiss.  She smiled and told him that she would see him later and walked away.
The wife glared at her husband.  "Who the hell was THAT?” she snarled.  "Oh", replied the husband,"that was my mistress."
"That's the last straw!”, the wife shouted. "I’m going to call a lawyer!  I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that", the husband replied, "but remember… if you divorce me, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no BMW in the garage and no membership at the yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Marcus?" asked the wife.
"That's HIS mistress" answered her husband.

"Ours is prettier" she replied.

Now… before anyone even attempts to psychoanalyze me… let’s get a few things straight.  I am your average middle-aged, middle-class, middle-weight, divorced, menopausal American woman living in New Jersey.  Does that make me… cynical?  You betcha.  Sarcastic?  Absolutely.  Crazy?  No doubt.  Tired?  Deservedly so.  Psychotic?  No.  But just in case I offended anyone, let me take a stab at political correctness:
1) I do not think the subject of infidelity is a laughing matter (I didn’t think it was funny when it happened to me.  I don’t now, and I doubt very much that I ever will).
2) I don't have anything against rich people or their lavish life styles  (Both Ray and I have every hope that we too, will be wealthy someday).
3) I don’t think it’s easy being the ‘other woman’ OR the wife.  Or the husband, the kid or the cat for that matter. (Although I prefer cats I have nothing against dogs or their owners.  Actually, I’ve always admired the fact that they have to walk them in all kinds of weather.  Not to insinuate of course, that cat owners get off easy.  Hairballs and kitty litter are awful).
4) I’m not bitter and I don’t think that men cheat on women more often than women cheat on them (just that women usually have better reasons (excuses) than men come up with.  Not that men couldn't do just as well if they applied themselves.  Not that there is EVER a good reason (excuse) for anyone to cheat in the first place).
5) I don't hate men, and I do enjoy being a woman.  I still feel sexy, and hopefully, I always will.
6) While it is true I don't like getting older, I'm not depressed about it (please note that I have nothing against BEING depressed.  I have nothing against older people.  I’m in training to be one myself).
7) I’m not insecure and I have never insisted, expected or needed Ray to tell me that I’m beautiful, nor does he feel obligated to do so (which isn’t meant to indicate that I look down on people who ARE insecure).
8) I always, ALWAYS look for the humor in everything (but I have nothing against people who don’t).
9) I can be serious when I need to be (but I don’t criticize people who can’t).

There.  I think I’ve covered just about everything.   If I were any more politically correct I'd be running for President and I don't think this country is ready for THAT...


readmereadyou said...

The joke was funny and whoever doesn't like it can go buy a sense of humor! : )
I agree with your list.....all but number 4 although I'm not bitter either! Call me a cynic  about cheating or call me observant. LOL! I love your entries always but you know that. I feel as if we have very similar thoughts on life. I hope you consider that a compliment. LOL!

krobbie67 said...

LMAO at your PC clarification. I was so trying to find something you didn't cover so I could be insulted. Yet, I couldn't. But, I'm sure there will be someone who comes along and does. :-) ---Robbie

sonensmilinmon said...

Darn it ... did you have to cover EVERYTHING at the end?  How can I act offended now! I'm sooo OFFENDED that I can't act offended! Does that work?  Works for me!

I've seen that one and I laughed the first time I saw it ... people really need to just laugh a moment instead of jumping and getting all critical.  Oh, wait, I'm supposed to be offended ~ so bye!  :-)~


thresa128 said...

Off course you are right on the money as usual. One thing I can say about "political correctness" is phooey! A mild expletive, wouldn't write what I really think.
Still enjoying your journal, now why haven't I heard from you? Things are going splendidly here in the Sunshine State, but miss some goings on in the great north east. Think I'm nuts, you're probably right. Memories of going to the "meat market" with you and daughters pop up in my mind, and a chuckle appears out of nowhere.
Keep up the good work!


spnsheart said...

Thank you for your comments on my journal.  They are very much appreciated and hold a lot of truth.  I very much enjoyed reading your journal and will definetly be back to read with more time.  I myself am from the Dominican Republic so your entries on your vacation were very enjoyable to read.  Did ya get to have any of that good Dominican Rum???  

somenuttychic said...

I LOVED this little story. But gee, Lisa, the only place you didn't cover your butt is on tea vs. coffee drinkers. ;-) I think you have a great shot at the presidency. :-)

Love your stuff. Always have, always will. Without meeting you in person, (which is true for anyone really) it's hard to get a true idea of who you are -- the full and complete view of Onmiownnow2 as it were although we do get glimpses of you here. Some people only use their journal as an outlet for their frustration and if that's all you knew about them, it would be easy to think that they are nothing but a miserable mess. Others only put nice things in their journal and then you start to wonder if they EVER have a bad day.

Write whatever you like. Just be sure to keep it coming. :-)

lotzamoe said...

I feel your pain. I tried to write an entry like that, explaining everything to everyone just in case they didn't get my type of humor. I ended up deleting the original entry and the subsequent explanation. What did we used to say years ago? F**k 'em if they can't take a joke. Your journal is great as always.